WAHM

This week I’ve been a work-at-home mom…and I’ve HATED it! Like I’ve said before, I really have an ideal situation where I get a bit of both worlds. I work sometimes and I stay home sometimes and nary the two shall meet (for the most part, I definitely work on my at-home days, but not like this). Until this week. My mother-in-law had to be home while her upstairs is being painted. Normally this wouldn’t be a big deal. I like having the odd bunch of time to myself with my little pickle.

But, I committed to a pretty heavy duty project that is in the thick of things right now. It doesn’t go away just because I have no childcare this week. It just keeps going and going. Trying to get actual work done with a two-year-old in a one bedroom apartment is an act of futility.

I’ve mostly been working every second he’s otherwise occupied (and right now I’m taking a break to write this before I lose my mind). I work while he plays on the playground or colors or watches a show. I work while he naps and after he goes to sleep. I work while he concentrates on eating a popsicle. I work as he pulls on my hand saying “Mommy, get down. Get down off your chair. Get down now and COME WITH ME!!!”

I know some people love this kind of life – the kind where you don’t get one second to yourself and work constantly – but I am not one of them. I like some downtime. And when a good majority of your work is tending to a small child you really and truly need it. Kids are EXHAUSTING! At least my kid is.

In this liberated, feminated world we live in with choices of all kinds I have definitely found my least favorite option – working from home with no childcare and a toddler! It sucks!

At least I got hang out with this cute face all week!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving! We went over to the parade this morning for a bit. Brady loved the balloons, but not the crowds, so we only stayed for a half hour, but it was fun! I think his favorite part was the low-flying helicopter that went by!

Waiting for it to start with a pretzel

Balloons!

Bye Kermit!

Birthday madness

So the  extended “Brady turns two” celebration has finally come to an end. I think he  enjoyed every second of it. On his birthday he got pancakes for breakfast, some new cars for his trains, a real live fish, cake, and pizza for dinner. He also got a mini party  when my in-laws came over and gave him presents.

Then on Wednesday Grandma (my mom) arrived and let him open presents. The next day my sister got here and he got some more. Then on Sunday he got his big party with his friends and had a blast!

Of course now he expects presents and cake everyday. But I think he’ll get used to not having that. So far the only changes being two has brought is a much later nap. Oddly enough he started taking a 1 or 1:30 nap instead of his usual noon right after his b-day. Weird.

Mmmmmm cake!

Two?!?!

My baby boy is turning 2 this Sunday! In some ways it’s incomprehensible to me. Where did the last 2 years go? It was just yesterday that I was walking around with a big belly all filled up with arms and legs. It seems like just a minute ago that I was overjoyed to see my chubby little baby sitting  up on his own.

Now here he is, two whole years old and a person all his own. He notices things that I never notice and points them out to me. He forms his own ideas about the things that he sees. It dazzles me every single day.

I remember thinking that he would never do anything. That he would just lie there making little baby sounds forever. And then he started to smile…and to giggle…and to play. And from there he just took off. When he turned one last year, I was happy to have that difficult first year behind me, to have moved from being a slave to this little being onto having someone to spend my days with.

This year I find myself a little sad. I always knew I wouldn’t be a parent who didn’t want their child to grown up. I’m proud of each and every thing he learns to do and I’ll continue to be  that way. But I can’t help mourning the loss  of his babyhood. I wonder what happened to that roly poly little ball of chub that I once had.

2007

2008

2009

Does this make me a bad mom?

That some days when I go to work – I’m happy to leave in the morning?

And then some days on the way home from work I just wish that I could change course and go get a cup of tea and read a book or maybe go shopping (even window shopping) all alone?

That some days when I’ve heard “mommy” (imagine it in a long drawn-out whine) for the thousandth time (I swear this isn’t exaggeration) I just want to say “shut up!” and sometimes I actually do say “PLEASE stop saying that!!”?

That the days I stay home with Brady sometimes feel like the longest days in the history of the Earth?

That when Brady wakes up early in the morning I throw on the TV and close my eyes on the couch for a little while?

Of course most days I’m happy to come home from work and most days I spend with Brady are fun and quick and sometimes “mommy” is the sweetest word in the world, it’s just that sometimes…

At least he's cute...

23 Months and 4 Days

That’s the length of the nursing relationship between my baby and I. I always knew I would breastfeed, not a question or doubt in my mind. My mother was an extended bf’er and a La Leche League leader. I was nursed myself and then was around nursing mothers for most of my childhood. Two of my close friends had babies and nursed before I got pregnant and they were an unending source of support for me. I was lucky to have my husband, my mom, my mother-in-law, my friends, everyone around me behind me and supporting me in this.

I first fed Brady when he was about 20 minutes old and he latched on without a hitch and ate up. I can’t even describe the elation I felt when he ate – I was feeding this little human being! I won’t pretend it was easy. I had horrendous plugged ducts (thanks to an evil woman at a lingerie store who convinced me underwire was fine) and at first I felt like I couldn’t go anywhere because Brady might need to eat. There were nights when I felt like I never slept and my boob never left his mouth. There were times when I just wanted my body back.

But I got used to feeding him in public (thanks to my bebe au lait) and soon enough it wasn’t a big deal at all. When I started taking a class I pumped and Brady took a bottle. And the eating  all day didn’t last as long as I thought it would. He started eating solids and dropping feedings. I planned to nurse him for a year and hadn’t really thought about what would happen after that. At 13 months he weaned himself down to just morning and night and then at 15 months he  weaned himself to just night.

And then it stayed that way, and stayed that way, and stayed that way. It didn’t bother me. It was a few minutes of snuggling every night. I didn’t nurse him to sleep. I didn’t need to be there and he went to sleep fine for someone else. Then on our recent trip, he barely nursed at all. My boobs started to feel like real boobs again and I liked it. When we got back, the husband told me to just take this chance. So a few nights after we got back we did our bedtime routine and when it got to be “boobies time” we said “sorry buddy, we don’t do boobies time anymore.” He protested for a minute or two and then laid his head on my chest for a little bit and then asked to go to bed.

He asked for the next few nights and didn’t protest when we said no. Then after about 4 days he stopped asking and hasn’t asked again (of course I wrote this earlier today and tonight he asked, no protest when we said no though). My little baby is really no baby anymore. He is officially weaned and on his way to becoming a little boy. He’ll be 2 whole years old in just two and half weeks. It’s kind of hard to believe.

He’s a healthy, smart, big, amazing little guy and he got that way at least in part because I fed him and kept him alive and healthy. It just baffles me that I was able to grow a whole person in my body and then keep using my body to keep him going. Just incredible.

I *am* pretty amazing...

European Adventure – the highlights

Well, we survived. And of course, just like everyone told me, it wasn’t as bad as I thought and parts of it were really, really good. I’m just giving the highlights here. So much happened in the last 2 weeks it’s a little tough to process it all. So here’s the important stuff.

- Brady was seriously, unbelievably, amazingly well-behaved and angelic on the whole. He was great on both of the long flights – no crying, no trying to escape into the aisles, very little complaining even. He barely slept on either flight and still it wasn’t a bad experience. The tricks were to run him around the airport so that he was exhausted when we boarded, let him watch whatever the heck he wanted on the little tv, and bring cool new toys to interest him when he got fussy. Thank you to all those parents out there who gave us those little gems.

He also adapted to being away from home and 6 hours different really well. He put up with 2 4-hour, 6-course meals in a row that kept him up past 11pm and was really nice about it. He  was amazed by everything we saw – especially all of the forms of transportation which included just about all of them (plane, boat, train, car, incline). I cannot say enough about how wonderful my little boy was on this long, long, very full trip.

Two of my favorite Brady things from the trip were: “I drew that” which he said about everything – graffiti on buildings, signs, posters, store displays – Brady claimed that he drew them all. When we asked him if he really drew them and how he was able to do it all he would say “I draw lots of things.” The other was the Robot Tower, that is Eiffel the Robert Tower. Brady was obsessed with it. We could see it from outside our hotel and he always waved to it and said “Bye Robot Tower, see ya later.” We got him 3 mini Eiffel towers and he carried them everywhere. He still asks me to go see it every morning. Too cute!

I'm a good traveler!

- Spending time with my Italian in-laws is wonderful. My mother-in-law has a great, gracious, and loving family. They are the best – and they can cook!!!! We had a bunch of meals filled with yummy food and good people. It’s amazing what a great conversation you can have, even when everyone doesn’t speak the same language.

I got to meet my cousins!

- I’m happy I didn’t have a destination wedding because it is STRESSFULL!!! It  was a gorgeous wedding on a gorgeous day with a gorgeous bride in a gorgeous dress. Overall a wonderful event. But holy moly all the planning and stress that went into making it. Wow!

- Paris is NOT kid friendly. We managed and actually had a good time, but I feel like Parisians just don’t take their kids out. We rarely saw kids. Brady was less than welcome at almost all of the places we went to eat. Nothing is stroller accessible. It’s just tough with a kid to say the least. I also learned a few things about Parisians – they love smoking, motorcycles, and making out in public places. There was more than I could take of all three. It’s a gorgeous city, but I think it’s much better for couples than for families.

The parks were kid-friendly in Paris

- The coolest thing was that we randomly got to meet up with some friends of ours in Paris! This is a couple that we love spending time with and we hadn’t seen them since we visited them in Bermuda last September. Thanks to facebook for  letting everyone know what everyone is up to! We had a wonderful dinner with them and got all caught up. Best night in Paris by far!

- Being sick in another country ba-lows!!! I got a cold our last day in Italy that kind of knocked me on my ass in Paris. My in-laws were wonderful about taking Brady and letting me relax, but it was rough. It was hard to find medications and when I found some I had to look up all of the ingredients online to find out what I was taking. And since I was still a stuffy mess on the flight home I ended up with a sinus infection which I thankfully got antibiotics for yesterday. Yay for antibiotics! I’m feeling close to human again today.

So all-in-all the trip was good. Nearly all of the things I was worried about did happen, but they weren’t as bad as I had imagined them to be. Brady was forced to stay up way, way later than I wanted him to. He ended up in bed with us a lot. No one got enough sleep. We didn’t get to do much leisurely sight-seeing.  Brady did not sit still during the wedding ceremony. But, he was well-behaved and he timed his naps nicely so that we got to actually do things like go to the Louvre.

Now we’re one of those families who can honestly say “I take my kid everywhere and he’s fine with it.” So yay for us!

Remember

Since this blog is not just about being a mommy, but also about living in this city, my city, New York City, I thought it appropriate to write my memories of this day here.

Eight years ago today I was 22 years old, new to the city, new to my job, and honestly a little bewildered by the whole “being an adult” thing. I went in to work that day like any other day. I remember exactly what I was wearing – a pink sleeveless top, black pants, and black Steve Madden “slinky” slides (remember those?).

I got off the elevator to hear people sort of yelling from the other side of the office. One of the other assistants ran by me and told me to follow her, that there had been an accident or something. I went, with the other, like, five people who were in that early, to the big office in the south west corner.

What I saw seemed curious more than anything else. One of the Twin Towers had a little circle of fire on it, burning bigger and bigger. Smoke poured out. The other assistant told me it was a plane that had run into the tower. We thought it must have been little because the hole didn’t seem all that big. But we didn’t realize that we were looking at the spot where the nose of the place came through the north side of the building.

More people came in, a television was tuned to the news, I called my husband (then boyfriend) who was at home being a laid-off dot-commer at the time. I don’t remember if I was looking out the window or at the TV when the second plane hit, but this memory is very, very vivid. I remember what I thought and what I felt like at that moment. Up until that moment I was convinced this was an accident. A horrible tragedy, but an accident. At that moment I realized that it was no accident and that something truly awful was happening.

It was such a long day. Not long after the second plane hit my building was evacuated. I went with the two other assistants from my department to a loft one of their colleges had in the city. It was close and seemed safe to us. I was able to call my mother and my husband before I left the building to tell them I was safe and would be home when I could get there.

We ended up at a bar, drinking beer and eating burgers. We watched the news and talked with people who had hiked up from downtown to safer areas. We heard stories from people covered in dust about how they had escaped and what they had seen.

When the subways started running again, I took it home.

9-11 is such a strange day in my memory. It forever changed the way I felt and the way I looked at things. I made my first real friend in the city and we are still amazing friends today even though we have both gotten married, both had children and she has now moved away.

I felt more terrified that day than I have ever been in my life. That feeling of uncertainty is something I will never forget. That day Manhattan seemed like such a small place in so many ways. Although it was miles away, Ground Zero felt so very close to me as did the evil that was happening there. I didn’t know when the next attack would be or where.  But it also felt like we were all one big family in a way. For weeks, we all had something in common. People talked to each other in restaurants and bars and on the subway. It felt close and familiar. It felt good to lean on everyone around me.

I forget about the atmosphere of the city in those days and weeks sometimes; the fall air, the smell of  acrid smoke that seemed to permeate everything, the posters of missing loved ones on every available surface, the fear, the camaraderie.

I had no idea then of the real implications that the event would have not just on me, not just on the city, but on the entire world. I want to remember all of those who lost their lives on 09-11-01 and all of those whose lives were forever changed.

A Boy and His Train

Choo choo!

Brady has been in the midst of an intense love affair for most of the summer…he is desperately in love with Thomas the Tank Engine. Or really, anything related to Thomas the Tank Engine. He likes the trains, he likes the show, he likes the website, he likes the books, he likes anything and everything Thomas. He knows all of the trains by color, shape, size, and  sometimes number. He sings the song and knows all the words. It is, in short, insanity.

We had been looking to get him some tracks for his trains and all of the simple sets were too boring and all of the complicated sets too expensive.  But we found the absolute most perfect track set for him. It’s a figure eight of tracks with a bridge, a conductor house, and a little figure of Sir Topham Hat. And it came with the best thing of all…THOMAS!

Thomas is difficult to find. All of the Thomas trains you can buy separately are weird – battery operated or covered in snow or painted strangely. Little boys DO NOT like their Thomases to be different. But this set came with a plain old little blue Thomas and Brady could not have been happier. When we took him out of the box his eyes lit up and he grabbed him and said, “I GOT THOMAS!!!”

He plays with his tracks constantly and it’s so cute to hear the little stories he plays with them. “Gordon pulling all the tenders. Scuse me Billy, Hank comin through. Thomas leaving the station!” I love it!

He wants us to play all the time too, which can get boring, but is so cute that I love it anyway. Thank you Thomas, for bringing so much joy to my little Brady’s  life.

I’m Walkin!

Everywhere! Or at least he wants to. Brady has decided that his stroller is SO uncool and that he wants to walk to all of our destinations. He likes to push his little stroller which is nice because it usually keeps him walking. It’s really cute and fun for about half a block and then it just becomes really…really frustrating.

I don’t know if it’s worse because we’re in the city, maybe if I didn’t have to worry about all of the people who want to walk past us down the sidewalk or all of the open store and restaurant basements or all of the construction sites or the dog poop piles or the rushing traffic it would be easier to walk down the block with him. But as it is I have about seven heart attacks a block.

He refuses to hold hands and when I do grab it to cross the street he screams “no Mommy’s hand, no Mommy’s hand, I’m walking, I’m walking!” to which I reply, “you have to hold Mommy’s hand, it’s not safe to go by yourself. Even if I’m holding your hand, you are still walking.”

I’ve yet to come up with a peaceful solution. For now we start out walking side by side and walk along until I’ve had my maximum level of panic attacks at which point I put him in the  stroller where he screams, “no strollo, no strollo, no strollo!” until he calms  down.

We’re going to have to work on hand-holding or I may lose my mind.