Project Optimism: Being in the Right Place

This weekend the husband and I took a drive to Pittsburgh to meet my gorgeous little niece. She is divine. She is all soft, feathery hair, and balled-up fists, and tiny ears, and the tiniest bit of warm weight sleeping on your chest. She is amazing.

I fully expected to spend an hour with her and start yearning for a little girl of my own. I’ll admit I was a little jealous when I found out my sister was having a girl and despite my husband’s resolute stance on having no more children, I sometimes find myself thinking “what if?” But rather than dreaming of having just one more tiny person to hold in my arms, I found myself so grateful to be where I am right now, with absolutely no desire to change that.

When we arrived my sister and her husband had had the baby home for two nights and were in the throes of that haven’t-slept and what-did-I-do-to-my-life stupor that I find most new parents experience. I distinctly remember, when Brady was just about a week old, sitting on the couch next my mother and sobbing “What have I done to my life?” I think that pretty much sums up how it feels to be a new mom. I know there are people who adore newborns and don’t feel scared shitless at having an entire human life suddenly thrust into their authority alone, on no sleep, with raging hormones, feeling like you’ve been run over by a truck, and wondering if your internal organs are going to bust out of your episiotomy incision if you sneeze too hard. I’m sure there are people who didn’t feel like that, right?

Wait, this is supposed to be optimistic. I got off track. Despite the fact that I had PTSD-like flashbacks to bringing my own first baby home, I still felt wonderful spending time with the new family of three. See, I’ve been there, and I know that they’ll get the hang of it. I know that one day they will sleep again and they will feel good and that little girl will look at up them and smile and it will be pure magic. This time might be rough, but there are good times ahead and it will get better and better and better. Maybe one day they will forget just enough to want to do it again, and maybe not. 

I also realized that I am so very much in the right place in my life and especially in my family. It is just perfect for me to have a 5-year-old and a 1-and-a-half-year-old and to have two boys. I’m just in the right spot to mediate disputes over action figures and deal with who is inviting who to their sixth birthday party and pick a fit-throwing toddler up off the lobby floor on my way home. I am perfectly content to listen to Brady read me a book about the ocean while Declan tries out new words on the cat. That unsettled feeling is gone and in it’s place I find a sense of calm and knowing. I’m so excited for my sister and her husband to experience everything that parenting has to offer and to pass the torch of newborndom and babyhood off to someone else. I’m good. 

You should join in on the happiness. Here’s how:

1. Write about something that makes you feel optimistic. Whatever it is, write from your heart.
2. Post on MONDAYS. Include “Project Optimism” in your title.
3. Grab a badge by going to your dashboard and clicking the “IMAGE” widget. Adjust pic size 200h x 200w. The image URL: (http://mommiesarejustbiglittlegirls.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/project-optimism.jpg)
4. Link over here and invite friends to join in.
5. Encourage the person who linked up before you. Kindness is contagious!

Ahhh, Kids…

They’re lucky they’re such cute little buggers.

But they are cute.

Just some highlights from my week.

The tire on the Bugaboo blew out and I couldn’t transport Declan and the broken stroller to the bike shop by myself so I had to use the little stroller all week. That’s actually not so bad. But finding the blown-out tire on the way out the door to school on Monday morning was the start this week really needed.

I have had to rescue a naked Declan from the dining room table (and back of the couch, and windowsill) several (many, many) times. Well, he usually has socks on. He has decided that he must be nude, all the time. He takes off his clothes and then his diaper and then calls me “Mommeeeeee, mommmmmeeeeee??? PEEPEE! HA!” He also figured out how to pull out a chair and climb onto it and then onto the table. Fun stuff. Makes things like cooking, or say, peeing, a little difficult when I’m worried about my toddler taking a naked header off the table onto the bare wood floor at any moment. This is how they learn, right?

Last night, and this is my favorite, Brady was angry at me because I wouldn’t let him go – at dinner time – down to his friend’s apartment. So this is his solution:

“Mommy, you know how Grandma’s job is to find kids better families?” (My mother is a county caseworker in adoption.)

“Yes.”

“Well, I’m gonna call her up cause I want her to do that for me!”

I seriously just cracked up. I couldn’t stop laughing. Brady actually started laughing too. We were eating hotdogs and I always write a letter on his hotdog with ketchup. I asked him if he thought his new family would do that and he started to rethink.

So I’m about ready for the weekend, and the alleged snowpocalypse. I just braved the grocery store and it was less than pleasant so I hope the snow comes and we can enjoy the bounty I got.

How’s your week been? 

Resolution Challenge Day 3

Resolution #3: I resolve to spend more quality time with my husband.

This is one of those things that people tell you before you have kids – “once the baby comes, you need to be sure to make time for yourselves as a couple.” This is much, much easier said than done. Aside from the bigger issue of finding and paying for a babysitter, it’s difficult to make the time that you do get together a good time. It’s tough not to worry about the kids or discuss finances or try really hard to have a fancy date only to realize you’ve run out of time. 

This year I want to try to make more good times with my husband, both with and without the kids. I want to utilize our awesome babysitting co-op more often. I want to find a sitter that we can use so that we don’t always have to rely on the kindness of my in-laws. Most of all, I want to savor the time we get alone, instead of building it up so much that I am surely disappointed or worrying the whole time that Declan won’t eat or won’t go to sleep or Brady will misbehave. This year, I’m going to enjoy my husband more. And yes, maybe I mean that in the naughty way too.

Making the Best of a Snotty Situation

The older boy is home sick today. Sick kids are just the worst and it’s certainly the time of year for it. It’s just awful because sick children are irritating and inconvenient and also very, very sad. It seems lately that every time one of mine gets healthy, the other gets sick.

I’ve been feeling super overwhelmed with the holiday rush and work and school stuff and just everything, and a trip to Pittsburgh this past weekend for my sister’s baby shower (although it was SO much fun) sort of put the crush on everything even more. So when Brady woke up with obscene amounts of snot and red, crusty eyes this morning, I decided to take advantage.

He’s thankfully not feeling very sick, so the day wasn’t a waste. After being away for 3 days, I was glad to get the time with him. We haven’t had a day like this in a long time. I had almost forgotten what it was like to just lounge about with children without rushing from school to playdate to martial arts to grocery store to work and doing it all over again.

So today we made some very cute ornaments to give Brady’s friends for Christmas.

We baked some cookies, which were red and green sprinkled but not necessarily Christmas-shaped.

We did a little yoga.

And Declan wondered all day why Brady didn’t go to school.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Reflections

This one was easy. Declan is just starting to realize that he is the baby in the mirror, so he likes to experiment with his reflection.

I Should Really Get Up Earlier

I often find myself thinking “if I just got up earlier I could…” and that thought has inspired the following lists.

Things I Could Do If I Got Up Earlier

- Work out. I love to work out. I honestly do. It makes me feel good both physically and mentally. I used to do it at least three times a week. Now I’m lucky if I get in one. This makes me feel both physically and mentally sad.

- Read. Right now I read for the approximately 48 minutes a week that I am on the subway. However, I am starting a new project which will be done from home and that eliminates my reading time. Boo. How am I going to finish Storm of Swords in time for the new season of Game of Thrones?

- Write on my blog. This is a big one. I know I don’t have many readers. But I appreciate each and every one of you very much and I like to write things. I have ideas for posts that are entertaining or emotional or funny and I want to get them out of my head and onto the internets. But I just don’t have the time.

Things I Could Do If I Got Up Earlier, But Still Would Not Do

- Creative Elf on the Shelf gags for the kids. You will not find Protocol swimming in marshmallows or watching tv or making effing flour angels on my kitchen counter.

- Make artistically beautiful, healthy lunches for Brady. While in theory I would like to get a bento box and make him a Power Ranger that he wouldn’t be able to resist eating out of radishes and spinach and hard-boiled eggs, this will never happen, even if I get up at 4am.

- Make clothing, craft decorations for my apartment, make scrapbooks, or anything else of the sort. Again, these are things that I imagine myself liking to do, but do not actually enjoy doing.

Things I Could NOT Do if I Got Up Earlier

- Stay awake until bedtime.

- Keep myself from screeching at my kids when they get out of line. This is difficult if I do get enough sleep.

- Be a good partner to my husband. I tend to get very resentful, jealous, and bitter when I’m tired.

- Maintain my sanity.

Obviously the first list would be great, but I think that avoiding the third list is more important in my life right now. Maybe one day when both of my children sleep until 7:30 all on their own and don’t need me in the middle of the night, I can get up a bit earlier and accomplish some of these things. For now, I think I’ll hit snooze and get done what I can.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Green

Better late than never, right?

Apparently, green is one of the husband and my favorite colors. I don’t think we realized it until Brady was a baby and we had a green stroller, a green baby bjorn, and we each had green winter coats. The kids have always had a lot of green clothes. So I had a lot of green photos to choose from.

Five

Today my son turned five. It’s honestly sort of surreal. It’s been five years and yet I’m still sort of reeling from the profound change that becoming a parent has made in my life. It seems as if every time I gain my bearings, things change and I have to start all over again.

I know that people sometimes get down on parents, especially moms, and most especially stay-at-home moms, saying that what we do is not special. Thousands upon thousands of people give birth every day and a good majority of them go on to raise those children and be parents. But on days like today I can’t help but feel like it is special.

This person used to live inside my body. There was a time when he didn’t exist, a time when he was just a few cells deciding if they wanted to live, a time when his whole body fit inside my belly and I could feel him stretch and move and kick and grow. He was born. He ate and cried and needed me. He grew and he learned to crawl and to talk and to walk and to really communicate. He learned to hold a crayon and to draw and the names of all the colors.

Now he is a person in the world all his own. He has friends and he has people he chooses not to be friends with. He writes stories. He is funny and annoying and intelligent and amazing. He affects other people. People I barely know and sometimes people I have never met. He will continue to change the lives of the people around him for years to come. And it all started when he lived inside me.

So, today, when my tiny baby turned into a real big kid five-year-old, I think it is special that I brought him into the world and that I’m helping to shape the person he is and will become. And it is special that I love him so much and he loves me so much and we are a family.

Workin Mama

I refuse to let the blog suffer! As I said in my last post, I’ve been working WAY too much lately. I only have a certain amount of childcare each week and a certain amount of baby nap time. When work starts to spill over into evenings, I start to get crabby. I need some time in the day to relax. But when work starts invading the time I’m with the kids, there’s a problem. I’m ok with telling Brady to take his brother and go play in their room sometimes, although that usually results in some toy argument or another. But when I have to put on the television to get work done, I am not a happy mama.

At the moment, I feel like my apartment is a disaster, cooking is nearly impossible, everything is a rush, I’m exhausted, my kids are feeling neglected, and it just is not the overall situation that I would like to be in.

For the most part, I’m grateful to have some time devoted to work and some time devoted to staying with the kids. As a freelancer, it’s never that cut and dry, but I try my best to balance it. I’m hoping this project will be finished up soon so that I can get back to what I’m usually working on and feel more present in both my work life and my home life. The way things are now, I just feel stressed out and unhappy.

Luckily, I have a cute little helper for those times when I just have to fit it all in.

First Day Jitters

My stomach was turning, my palms were sweaty, and my heart was beating out of my chest…and all I had to do was drop him off. Brady started kindergarten on Thursday. He is no longer my little baby and instead is a full-fledged school kid.

My guy, all ready for school!

The week or so leading up to this day were filled with anxiety for me. At first I couldn’t exactly pinpoint why. I mean, I was nervous for him to have to be away all day and nervous about how he would like school and the other kids and his teacher. It’s a huge change in his life. But I realized that it is also a huge change in my life. For almost 5 years, I’ve spent the majority of my time with Brady. He had some time in school and camp and I spent some time working, but for the most part, we’ve been together.

On his way.

The weeks ahead will be an adjustment for both us. After the first day, which was a half day, he told me that “kindergarten was great!” But later that night when we were laying in his bed he told me that he was “not too comfortable with this all-day thing.” Friday changed his mind on the all-day thing, but he did tell me that “school is a little boring.” I’m really hoping that will change since it’s like he plucked one of my biggest fears about him being in school right from my head and told me it was true.

School kid!

I’m at once excited and nervous for him to be starting this new phase of life. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with just one kid all day. I’m hoping school is interesting and challenging for Brady, and that he makes friends and isn’t bullied and does well. And yes, I’m getting ahead of myself a bit, but I can’t help it. My baby is out of my hands for 6 hours a day, 5 days a week doing things I know very little about. It’s slightly nerve-wracking.

Ready to learn…maybe…