And I hate this one more…and I am REALLY, REALLY trying to work on it. I know it’s not good. But I am jealous of my husband.
I am jealous of him for little things like: getting to sit on the subway and read a book, getting to go to the bathroom with the door shut and no one hanging on his knees, getting to eat lunch with other grown-ups and without having to readjust his position every five seconds to keep his sandwich out of the grasp of little hands, getting to take a shower every morning to start the day. I’m jealous that he gets to tell me he has a meeting and that he has to get off the phone or stop chatting. I’m jealous that he sometimes gets to stay out until after Brady’s gone to bed and that he has gone places and stayed overnight since Brady was born. I’m jealous that he still has a career and a career path he’d like to follow. Most of all I’m jealous that he has this whole life which does not include the baby in addition to his life which does.
And I’m fully aware that there is a flipside to this. It breaks my heart that he only gets to see Brady for 1.5 hours every night before he goes to bed and that once he gets home Brady is physically attached to him for that entire time. I can’t imagine how hard it is for him that I was home the first time Brady sat up on his own and the first time he crawled and that I get to watch him learning more and more to climb at the playground and to be interested in other kids everyday while he has to be at work. And working isn’t fun overall. I know, I complained about it all the time.
I realize that I’m lucky and I am so grateful that I get to be a part of everything in Brady’s life. It’s just such a double-edged sword. I am so happy that I can be home, but at the same time I really miss being a part of something else. Not that I LOVED my job – but I liked it and I felt good at it and I felt needed and (sort of) respected there. Being a mom is so different from that. There is very little sense of accomplishment since I won’t really know if I’ve done a good job for a long time yet.
It is not fair for me to be jealous of my husband for having to get up and go to work everyday. But there it is and I am. I have the sneaking suspicsion that I’m not the only person who feels this way and so I wanted to share it. It’s something that every parent has to deal with and I really and truly believe that there is no perfect answer. Working sucks because you can’t spend time with your kids and staying home is hard. It is – it’s hard. It’s hard to concentrate on baby, baby, baby 24-7. But it’s good too. It’s amazingly good and as I guess all good things do, it takes a lot of work.