I’ve been feeling very contemplative lately and have been trying to stop myself from writing a post entitled “why can’t I get my shit together?” So instead I’m going to write a mushy mommy entry.
As I was lying on the couch holding my sleeping little boy about 20 minutes ago – an activity that I have complained about countless times – I had a sudden and stark realization. It occured to me in the heart-stopping, breath-sucking way that it occurs to you that you will one day die. One day Brady will be separate from me. We will not go on being the two-headed monster that we are today forever.
There will be a day when he won’t ever sleep lying on my chest. When I will no longer be able to kiss his lips and smell his skin and cradle him against my heart the way I do now. One day he will be his own person living his own life. One day he will have secrets from me, things I will never know. There will be days when I have no idea what he’s doing. One day he will let some girl know more than I will ever know about him and share his life with her instead of me and he won’t ever remember the way we used to live our days together.
Of course he will always be mine and I will do my very very best to make sure that we always have a good relationship – the way I do with my mother. But regardless of that he will absolutely still be apart from me in the future. And I’ll want it that way. But it’s difficult to fathom right now.
So I think I’ll enjoy his sleeping today.