Sometimes I feel like the worst mother on Earth (almost) and sometimes I want to quit. When I say ‘quit’ I mean quit the whole deal. There are brief moments when I want to run away and not look back. Just go and start some other life. Thankfully these moments are fleeting and my love for and pleasure in my kids takes over and I really do want to stay and be their mom.
But man are there days when I have to reach deep inside to get that feeling. This morning, the 7th day of my stupid head cold, the baby wouldn’t stop screaming and wanted to be held, I couldn’t get anything done, and Brady just tipped my mental scales to ‘bad mom’ by whining about EVERY…SINGLE…THING I said. It was 10 minutes until leaving for school and Brady still had to brush his teeth and pee when he started yelling at me about it and I just SNAPPED! I became the yelling mommy and I HATE that! After our fight, Brady and I made up and apologized to each other, although he still thinks he should get his Lego guy back and that IS NOT happening until he proves he can keep from whining for more than five minutes.
After we finally got to school I felt sick and guilty and I still do. I tell myself that I’m doing my best and that everyone has bad days, but I feel like I shouldn’t. Walking down the sidewalk I felt like every person was looking at me and knew what a failure I am, knew that I do a terrible job of raising these kids.
It’s certainly something I need to work on. I’m working on it right now as I try to eat my lunch, feed the baby, and type this post. Declan keeps grabbing pieces of paper towel and biting them and then clamping his jaw down so I can’t get them out of his mouth and then screaming like a banshee when I open them up and get it out anyway. I am using it as an exercise in restraint and just keep taking the paper towels away, getting them out of his reach, and smiling at his screams. It’s more difficult with Brady who has formulated endless arguments to justify his own behavior and vilify mine. His teacher swears to me he’ll be a lawyer one day.
Days like today I just have to do yoga breathing, tell myself I can do it and that what’s done is done and I need to be better going forward , and thank God that He gave me such cute kids!
Even screaming he’s pretty darn cute.