Image from burnoutmama.com by Taika Joensuu
So I haven’t been writing much lately. This is partly due to the fact that I have zero time in which to write and partly because I hate whining on the the internet, especially on my blog, and lately all I want to do is whine. But a friend I hadn’t seen in awhile told me recently that she likes reading my blog because I tell the truth and that she always knows where I’m coming from. I KNOW other people have shitty weeks and that being a mom sometimes sucks and so I’m whining here for all to see. (Better to get it out now and move on to optimism tomorrow,right?)
The last two weeks have beaten me down. I’m not broken yet, but I feel like I’m getting there. The slightest wind might bend me that extra inch. I took a freelance project awhile ago and it has a deadline (like most work, correct?). I have been behind. I have been behind because of sick children and sick mommies and doctor appointments and school performances and auction preparation and a myriad of other things. The week before last my mil could only come one day to help with the kids. Normally she comes 9-5 two days a week so I can concentrate on paid work. Then, last week, she got sick and couldn’t come at all. (Don’t worry, she’s fine. I’m glad she’s feeling better and felt awful that she was sick. But here I am focusing on me. K?)
So now, in addition to already having been behind, I am really, really, REALLY behind. I am cramming work into every crevice of my life. I am parking my children in front of the tv, handing them iPads and Xbox controllers and saying, “Mommy is WORKING!” I hate doing this. It stresses me out.
On top of that, Declan has had some sort of tummy issue so I’ve been changing millions of diapers, applying tubs of butt cream, running to pediatricians, and worrying about my poor little Smoosh. (He is also fine, just having trouble throwing it off. Ped assures me I should not worry.) Somehow, I also managed to get flowers to all the kids in Brady’s class to hand to his teacher for her birthday AND got Brady swimming on his own in the pool. I am a Goddamned super woman!
Super woman though I am, I am also in anxiety central. I can’t sleep, my stomach hurts, I’m clenching my jaw at night, and I’ve got tension headaches. I’m not enjoying things because I’m worrying about other things. I do NOT like this. Yoga this morning did NOT help and yoga always helps. I need to just ride through and keep breathing and get to the other side. I’ve caught up a bit on work this weekend and gotten a little extension on deadline which should help.
Unfortunately, there is no end in sight. (Huge sigh.) This week I don’t have any full working days either. Tuesday I’ve got to get Declan to the allergist on the West Side and figure out why he’s still allergic to dairy. Thursday is Brady’s dance performance at school, right smack dab in the middle of the day. It will be ok. It will be ok.
Is that enough whining for you? I try not to complain on my blog because I’ve read enough of that there internets to know that people LOVE to pick apart the complaints of others. Commenters will cut down anything and say, “you don’t have it bad, shut up, quit bitching.” But you know what? Eff it! I’m tired and anxious and overwhelmed. I know there are much worse things to endure in this world and I remind myself of that all the time. But, sometimes, everyone needs to acknowledge their own problems and let them be problems. Everyone needs to complain or vent or let it out. So if you’ve been having a shitty time and you need to get it out, feel free to do it here. I will read what you have to say and I will attempt to make you feel better or I will sympathize or I will tell you that it’s ok to be pissed about it. Go on, do it.